You may be wondering why I haven’t posted here in awhile. Probably, though, you are not. Because I can see that literally nobody has looked at this website in quite awhile. So, we’re even. The reason that I haven’t posted in awhile, now that you ask, is because I have been working on a larger project than just chronicling my daily wonderments and observations. The project requires a lot of words, some people might call it a novel, but I am not yet so optimistic. I have been writing and forming and reforming ideas about where I want it to go and I am posting here now to show you the fruits of my labor – the opening bit of the lengthy Word document I’ve been adding to.
Read on and I’ll catch up with you below:
June 4th, 2015
Today is the tenth year that I have had to live with myself after what I have done. I sometimes can’t believe that I’ve made it this long without killing myself or just collapsing with grief. I cried in the bathroom today and someone pulled me out of the stall and punched me to make me stop. Maybe I was reminding him of why he was here. Nobody here spends too much time thinking about why they’re in this place, maybe so that they don’t cry in the bathroom like I sometimes do.
You know that I don’t like to bring up what happened, Charlie. Mostly because I don’t know what to say except for sorry and thank you. I wish I could scream it, I wish you could hear me. But I am already so thankful that you respond to these letters so I won’t spend too much time wishing for something better than your goodness, which I have been lucky enough to see a lot of.
You’ve never asked for details and I swore to myself that I would never give them until you asked, if you ever do. But I have to tell you, Charlie, the pain of keeping it inside hurts me. It feels like there’s an angry cat stuck inside of my stomach, always clawing, trying to find his way out. And at the same time, it feels like there’s another angry cat stuck in my brain, crying out over my thoughts and making my head bleed and hurt. I just can’t take it anymore; I know that you can understand because you’ve understood everything so far just with a little grace and mercy. I’m going to write out what happened, exactly what happened, and put it in the envelope with this letter. When you’re ready, you can read it. I’ll understand if you don’t want to write me back after you’ve read it.
I hope you can think about something other than her today. Or maybe you should think of her, she was such a good person that she deserves to be remembered. I guess I meant that I hope that you can remember the good parts about her and that maybe when you cry, it’ll be happy tears and not the sad ones.
God bless you, Charlie,
The novel, as you may be able to garner already, will focus on themes of forgiveness, morality and love. Told through letters sent back and forth between a criminal and his unlikely pen pal, the story is one that will hopefully challenge our ideas about such topics. So keep forgiving me a little longer as I divert my attention to this compelling new project of mine – but don’t worry, I’ll be updating you all (nonexistent followers of my blog) with more excerpts and pieces soon!